How to Survive in a World of Ad Hom

The world in which we live is full of issues that can be debated. This is the beauty of a democracy. Every person is given "certain inalienable rights;" one of which is the right to speak freely concerning whatever issue may weigh heavily on the conscience. And therefore, dear friends, I have decided that it is my responsibility as a scholar, as a Christian and as a concerned brother to train you in the right ways. So, without any further ado, I present to you the most effective forms of communication as revealed by the habits of my generation through its favored voice: Facebook.

The first rule of effective communication is to keep free from the pollution of your opponents' arguments. Those with whom you disagree will use any means necessary to convince you of untruth. You must, therefore, be sure to steer clear of their perverse speech. When they present their case, do not listen. Twiddle your thumbs. Evaluate their fashion sense. Determine their socio-economic class. Do whatever is necessary to keep yourself from allowing their lies to penetrate your clear mind and to muddle the truth of your opinion.

Secondly, and in a related category, make sure that, since you have been careful to avoid dignifying the enemy's speech with diligence, you do not agree with those vile ones on any point. If, on the rare occasion, your enemy is intellectually capable of producing a multi-faceted argument, you must necessarily present an antithetical point-by-point response. However, make sure that your response never even nears correcting the errors of her logic, but merely comment on the odor of her body or on the weakness of her logical faculties based solely on a grammatical analysis. An argument cannot be effective if one does not thoroughly discredit the opponent. Therefore, you must not waste words defeating an argument; it is your task to beat the individual.

Finally, and of the utmost importance, is to be confident in one's position. When one enters an argument, she must be entirely convinced of her viewpoint, so that no one will be capable of deterring her. The method for actually presenting the argument is as follows: 1) Calmly enter the arena, and state your case. 2) Sit quietly, making sure to employ the techniques described in the first rule, while your opponent speaks. 3) Stand up, and repeat your argument. Make sure to express yourself with more vigor and volume than your primary address. If your opponent's initial rebuttal seemed passionate (remember, you shouldn't have actually listened), be sure to include several curse words. After having repeated yourself with the necessary profanities added, turn your passionate vengeance towards the character of your opponent, never evaluating and addressing her claims. 4) Repeat steps 2 through 4 with increasing passion until you have won the day.

These three steps, dear friends, will save you much of the unnecessary inconvenience involved in critical thinking and logical discussion. Hold by my teachings, children, and you will become effective communicators. And so, I commission you. Go. Speak. Be heard. And change the world.